May 2nd, 2006

I’ve finally figured out some things….the heart issues that are being brought up by this whole trip. I now realize that I’ve been focusing to hard on the people around me and trying in joining them in completing their vision for life. When in reality this trip is about God and his vision for my life as well. Its been this huge weight off my shoulders. Through this process I have come to know myself, my friends and God better. I really can identify with Job in Job 42:1-8 (paraphrased to fit my circumstances)—“Rael answered God: “I’m convinced: You can do anything and everything (you set everything up, its not about me). Nothing and no one can upset your plans(even when I don’t want to obey them or I think that they are not good). You asked, “who is this muddying the water, ignorantly confusing the issue, second-guessing my purposes?(I have tried it my way. I have questioned you, others and this whole trip.)” I admit it . I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me, made small talk about wonders way over my head. (I believe that I have said to much, questioned God too much.) You told me, “Listen, and let me do the talking. Let me ask the questions. You give the answers.” (thanks for opening my eyes to the issues, thanks for asking me the right questions so that I can see the deepness of my heart.) I admit I once lived by rumors of you, now I have it all first hand—from my own eyes and ears! I’m sorry—forgive me. I’ll never do that again, I promise! I’ll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor.(God, I really do feel sorry for my attitude and thoughts during this time. I pray that from now on that I would see with your vision for my life and trip and not through others. God I want you to be seen in me. Thanks for clarifying things for me.”